


The Unraveling of Your Grace

by thebluesweater



Series: F'r Thee Has't Eyes To Seeth, Alloweth Those Eyes Seeth [1]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternative Perspective, Drama, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Multi, POV Multiple, Unrequited Crush
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-16
Updated: 2018-04-16
Packaged: 2019-04-21 01:30:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,508
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14274009
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thebluesweater/pseuds/thebluesweater
Summary: The tale of Renjun Huang as told by the Four Horsemen of The Apocalypse.(Alternatively, the Renjun-centric fic no one asked for and has nothing to do with the apocalypse.)





	The Unraveling of Your Grace

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first NCT fic and I just hoped I didn't butcher it that much.
> 
> Shout out to F for being my very best girl who's always supported me even if I was being a ball of nothing but mess. And to C for being so good and kind to me, only giving me encouraging (biased) words. Yes. I need that. 
> 
> Please, please, please DO NOT REPOST the fic anywhere. Any other version of the fic in any platform besides this one in MY profile is not allowed.
> 
> This is a work of fiction and I don't claim any of these to be true. Mistakes are mine. I apologize in advance.
> 
> Please, enjoy!

 

ooOoo

Pestilence

 

The first time he saw him was on the day before their university officially started its classes. The weather was sweltering despite of summer being long past beyond its seasoned time. Jeno’s back was damp with beads of sweat because the air conditioning in their room was yet to be fixed later that day, the RA explained when Jeno inquired about it yesterday evening. It was a disappointment, honestly. He came here full of smiles and hope that the start of his university life will go smooth sailing. But this shit happened.

It was cool. He only has to endure it for one night and a day, anyway. Johnny confirmed that the technician will come by in the afternoon so Jeno decided to just make do with opening the windows (all two of them) to let the fresh air in as he lounged in his bed and exchanged memes with his highschool friends, bantering in virtual reality.

He knew he was going to have a roommate; the stripped mattress perched on the wooden bed across his and the lonely desk on the foot of it were an obvious giveaway that his roommate had yet to arrive from God knows where. His senior, Johnny, said that his roommate was going to be a first year like him. Jeno was a little bit taken aback since they were informed beforehand that room arrangements consisted of a freshman and anyone who isn’t a freshman that semester so the newbies like him could easily get help from the older senior students if they needed anything.

“We were short on people this semester. The amount of students who chose to live outside the dorms was more than what we expected. Sorry, bud. I guess your batch got the end of the short stick. But, if you need anything. Really, just anything. You can ask me or Ten for help. Or all the seniors in this floor. Promise we’ll do our best to guide you.” Johnny gave him a reassuring smile, even patted his arm twice for encouragement before nodding, seemingly satisfied with his spiel and Jeno just reciprocated it with a meek nod.

Johnny looked really big and tall. Not lanky and tall. But actually big. And tall. And that scared Jeno a bit because he might be tall too but not as big and tall like Johnny. He didn’t want to rub him in the wrong way in  _ any _ other way with his social awkwardness so he cleared his throat and tried to give him a smile that won’t look like he was about to shit himself.

“Who’s Ten? If you don’t mind me asking.” Jeno asked because Johnny seemed like he’s waiting to be asked for more. He looked eager to help; probably why he’s the RA.

The slightly older male’s face brightened, “Oh. He’s the shortie across your room. He’s Thai. And he has this cute accent but he’s fluent in Korean, English and Thai, of course. So, you’re in good hands.”

Jeno shifted his weight on his left foot, “Okay.”

“Okay.”

“Uhm yeah. Thanks, Johnny. I’ll let you know if I need help.”

“Cool, bro.” Johnny winked then stepped back with a salute before pivoting and continuing on his stride to the next room to orient the newcomers too.

Anyway, that was how he knew that his roommate was going to be another freshman like him. He’s nervous, honestly. Kind of excited. But mostly, he just felt jittery. Like, there was a hundred thousand watts coursing through his blood vessels, ready to snap any time. Worry consumed his entire being at the thought that his roommate might not like him or might find him not funny enough to warrant a civil relationship.

Jeno knew by heart that he’s an awkward person. Most of the time, it's the very thing that people always misunderstood in him before actually getting to know his dorky side. They would think he’s being snobbish. Or prim and uppity. Or fake. That last one was the worst. He had his fair share of people thinking his smiles were not genuine or his politeness was just for show to make people like him. But he was not like that.

Being polite was his way of masking  his awkwardness. There was no harm in being nice to people. And it genuinely was just in his nature. He didn’t see the benefits of being mean to others.

He almost jumped in his bed when he heard a thud and the door to their room was yanked open. He winced when he heard its creaks, seriously, wasn't it protocol to check these kinds of building if it needs renovation or something before they let tenants in? When was the last time that happened?

Jeno had no time to think about that anymore when his roommate caught his attention by tripping loudly over the threshold and almost planted his face on the floor. Good thing he had good balance. Though, the box he was holding did not meet the same fate like he did. The other fortunate thing though, was that the box only seemed to contain books, pictures, pens and all things that can be easily picked up and placed inside the box again. No glass shattering, no water spilling, and no paper flying.

“Shit. Shit.  _ Fuck _ !” his roommate exclaimed, chest heaving from the moving or from anger, Jeno couldn’t guess.

His brows rose as high as his hairline. Seemed like his roommate was a part time sailor and with that face, he wouldn't have pegged him to be. He was frowning, looking really upset with a small pout adorning his face but nevertheless, he looked really good. Like. Really good. Jeno couldn’t even find the words to describe how beautiful his roommate looked.

He had dark hair, naturally shiny and soft looking. Like the feathers of an angel’s wings, light, bright, and enticing to touch. His face opened to serene features that magically fit like perfect ratio, elegant and flawless. He had the face of a royal. Of a noble, high and worshipped. Of a deity, loved and devoted to. It was fascinating, seeing it contort into such a normal expression.

Silently, he watched his roommate pick up his things one by one, muttering to himself. Jeno didn’t know what to do because he thought that the time for introduction had already passed.

It’s awkward. He’s frozen in his spot, fully aware that his roommate was there and he had not greeted him yet. He should totally do that though. Before his roommate think he’s being rude. Or worse, that he was being a creep. Jeno mentally shuddered at that last thought.

He cleared his throat, “Hey.”

The roommate startled in surprise when he made his presence known. Jeno caught his gaze when he looked up and he almost choked. He’s got the darkest irises he had ever seen. Two pools of onyxes, deep and inundating.

“Oh. Hi. Sorry, I didn’t notice you were there.” roommate said, cheeks flushing cherry. Probably from embarrassment or not. Jeno wouldn’t have any way of knowing.

“It’s cool. I’m Jeno Lee. Your roommate. Do you need help?”

“Renjun. Renjun Huang. I would shake your hand but my hands are kinda full right now. It’s okay, though. I’m done here anyway. Thank you.” Renjun sent him a timid smile before straightening up with the box in his hands.

Jeno sat up, bed creaking from overuse, “Are you sure? I could help you take the boxes up here. We’re in the third floor after all.”

“Ah, I already did that. They’re all outside in the hall-”

“Let me help you get them inside here then.” Jeno insisted, feeling bad that he couldn’t help his roommate a while ago as he was too busy ogling him.

Renjun regarded at him for a moment, then, “Okay. If you insist. But don’t come at me if you think they’re heavy okay?”

“Don’t worry. I won’t.” Jeno flashed him a cheerful grin then proceeded to get the other boxes stacked in the hallway just outside their room.

Basically, that’s how they met. And that’s also their last proper conversation.

It’s been a month after that. Classes had already started and he learned that his’ and Renjun’s schedules have zero similarities. They rarely see each other let alone talk. They have their regular, hi’s and hello’s. The routine ‘do you want me to leave the lights on?’. And simple exchanges like that.

It was cool. Jeno figured friendships developed differently for everyone and one day, he and Renjun will find the right buttons to push, right pieces to put together to find the right balance to create a strong foundation of friendship. He wanted to be positive about it, after all, the two of them were going to be roommates for the whole semester. Also, Renjun seemed like a pretty good guy. Emphasis on the pretty.

Jeno frowned. That’s a ridiculous thought, he mused it over in his mind before fishing out his keys from his jean pocket and inserted it to the door knob. It was a good thing his other class was dismissed early, he forgot to bring his assignment for his next and last class. An assignment he had worked so hard for last night. He just had enough time to pick it up before the class started. Thank God for his English professor for having an emergency in his other university. 

What he didn’t expect when he went home that day though, was to find Renjun in a coughing fit with the tip of his nose dusted pink, eyes red rimmed and cheeks blotchy pale. He was a sight for sore eyes, tucked in bed like that. Jeno immediately dropped his messenger bag at the foot of his bed and went to check up on Renjun.

“Hey, you alright? Do you need me to call someone for you? Or the hospital?” Jeno sat on the bed, brows furrowed as he lifted a hand to check his roommate’s temperature by touching his forehead. He had a little fever, he thought since he’s a little warmer than normal. “Renjun, you have fever.” he murmurs.

“I’m oka-” his words got cut off when another fit of coughs rumbled out of his chest. It was worse than Jeno thought considering that his voice sounded like his throat was drenched in sand and his nose clogged.

He clucked his tongue, “You’re clearly not okay, Renjun. Stay right here, okay? I’m gonna go ask Ten if he has medicine for coughs and colds. And fever, too.” he said the last one more to himself than to Renjun.

Leaving no room for objection, Jeno quickly ran outside to knock on Ten’s door, hoping to all the Gods that he’s there and does not have classes otherwise he’ll have to go to Johnny and that was his last resort. The older male still scared him.

A relieved sigh coursed its way out of him when he heard a faint ‘just a sec!’ from within the room. Not long after, the door opened and a surprised Ten emerged.

“What’s up, kid? What brought you here?” Ten crossed his arms on his chest as he leans on the door frame, putting on a charming smile.

“Sorry, but do you have any medicine for fever or coughs and colds?” Jeno went straight to the point. He didn't see any reason to dilly dally. He liked chatting with Ten but today, he had more important matters to attend to than tell Ten about what happened in his English class.

An eyebrow raised and Ten stood straighter, alert, “You’re sick?”

“Not me but Renjun.” Jeno said. Realization dawned on Ten’s worried face so he held up a hand and went inside the room without closing the door. Curious, Jeno couldn’t help but peeked inside and was about to enter the room just like how he always used to do when he saw a figure sleeping peacefully on Ten’s bed. He was starfished with his face planted on the pillows, the blanket was thrown across his torso half-heartedly.

Ten probably noticed Jeno’s hesitant figure on the door and put two and two together. He made a shush gesture and said, “Let him sleep. He was studying like crazy until this morning.”

Jeno, understanding, only nodded. But since he couldn’t see the face of the man, he asked, “Who is it?”

Ten blinked, “Johnny, of course. Who else would crash at my place?”

“Oh. Why does he study here and not in his room?”

“Not sure. I let him be anyway since he always order in food when he comes here. Like a rent. So I’m okay with it.” Ten picked up his bag and rummaged through it, “I think I still have some here. Wait, let me just look for it.”

He didn’t pry anymore. When Jeno got the medicine, he went back immediately after thanking Ten profusely. Renjun was still in his bed but looking sicker than before. Sighing, Jeno sat on his bed again, patiently opening each medicine and placing them on the sick one’s awaiting palm. He handed him a bottle of water which Renjun gladly accepted.

Jeno waited until he took in all of the tablets before looking at the time on his phone. He only got five minutes left and if he wanted to get to his last class on time, he had to leave now.

“I have to leave for class.” he announced, reluctant since he knew he shouldn’t leave Renjun alone like this.

Blearily, Renjun only nodded and gave him a tired but appreciative smile then lifted a dainty hand to squeeze his hand that’s resting atop his bed, “Thanks, Jeno.” he croaked.

“Go rest. But before that, finish this bottle of water. When I come back, I’ll pick you up something warm to eat.” Renjun’s eyes widened, a flash of worry and refute already in his lips, but Jeno only shook his head and looked at him firmly, “No but’s. Just let me take care of you for now. You can’t even get out of bed. You’re in no position to say no to food. Did you get wet in the rain yesterday?”

“Yeah. And I ate ice cream. But thank you, Jeno. You know you don’t have to do all of these for me.” he said in a small voice. Renjun looked like he wanted to say something more, a look of astonishment present in his face. Jeno patted his cheeks twice before standing up and picking his bag that he carelessly discarded on the floor, he hoped that he didn't break his tablet or anything. He also shoved the assignment that he needed in his bag in a jiffy. He had a passing thought if he could make an excuse to leave class early so he could get back to Renjun’s aid. Maybe his professor would let him. He  _ hoped _ his professor would let him.

“I know but I want to take care of you.” he said, flashing a cheeky grin. He thought he saw a blush creep on Renjun’s cheeks. He might be wrong. “I’m gonna get going. You only have one job right now and that is to survive until I come back.”

“Yes, Sir.” Renjun gave him a little weak salute and smile before he was out of the door. When he ran to his class, Jeno just felt light and a little bit accomplished. It was more than he could ever hoped for. Finally, a chance to get closer to Renjun. A feat he had been wanting to do ever since he tripped his way inside their shared room.

Running to his class was no easy feat since the building was on the other side of the university compound. He barely even made it to his seat before the professor entered the hall, his chest heaving and he thought he might cough out a lung anytime soon.

Class started and not long after, a sigh of relief escaped Jeno when the professor only announced that they would just hand in their assignments since there was going to be a department faculty meeting in 30 minutes. Turns out, he didn’t have to ask for permission to leave class early. Seemed like luck was on his side today. He looked at the time on his phone, a little bit more and he’ll rush to the convenience store to get ramen for Renjun. He felt jittery so he opted to focus the energy on tapping rhythms with his pen on the table. His seatmate was probably getting annoyed. Jeno didn’t care one bit.

When his Professor finally dismissed them, he jumped out of his seat and rushed out of the hall before anyone else could. It was so out of his character to be impolite like that but somehow, Jeno found himself caring less. He’s worried about Renjun. And he thought that this will be a good way to start their friendship.

The trip to get the ramen was quick and soon, he found himself in front of their dorm room, balancing the hot ramen on one hand and his keys jingling in the corridor.

The door opened and Jeno found himself frozen in his spot, mouth agape and face paling. Renjun was on the floor, unconscious. Nausea hit him like a wave before he spurred into action, absentmindedly placing the hot ramen cup on his desk and immediately getting onto his knees beside Renjun.

“Renjun? Oh my God. Shit. What the fuck happened-” Jeno didn’t know what to do. He didn’t know if it was safe to move Renjun from his spot, so his hands hover above his unmoving body, frantic. His throat constricted and it felt like the room was closing in on him at that moment, making it harder to breathe. He needed to do something.

At that exact moment, Ten passed by and was going in to his room when he saw the scene from within their room through the opened door. “Jeno? What happened?” he inquired, voice alert as he entered the premises.

Jeno looked up, eyes unfocused and hands shaking, “I- I don’t know. I just found him on the floor when I get back from class.”

“Okay. Okay, kid. Calm down.” Ten, being a nursing student, thank God, kneeled on Renjun’s other side before carefully shifting his body to his back, checking for physical injuries and such. He checked Renjun’s pulse and his temperature, his eyes remaining calm and collected. “Jeno, call an ambulance.” he murmurs.

Jeno’s eyes widened, “What? Why?”

Ten looked at him in the eye, “I think he needs to be put on IV. But don’t worry, he’s not going to die.”

“O-okay.” Jeno quickly called the university hospital and the operator said that an ambulance was already on their way. He thanked the lady on the other side of the line before dropping the call.

Jeno’s mind was a blur after that. His eyes not leaving Renjun’s pale face and chapped lips. He thought he heard Ten saying that he’ll need to wipe Renjun’s sweat and change his shirt which he nodded to, simply just pointing where to get what in their room. The ambulance was there soon and Jeno and Ten rode it together with Renjun.

He was grateful for Ten for being the level headed among them and taking care of the paper works because Jeno’s mind was still just filled with oceans of worry for Renjun. He shouldn’t have left him. Guilt was a storm inside of him, wrecking havoc.

“Jeno.” Ten’s voice brought him back to reality and he snapped his head to his direction. Ten was sitting beside him on another stool as they watch over Renjun on the hospital bed, an IV tube on his arm.

“Yes?”

“Will you be okay watching over him for now? I need to get back to the dorm to finish my assignment due tomorrow. But I promise I’ll be back once I finish it early.”

Jeno nodded, “Yeah. I’ll look after him. I’m okay. Thank you so much, man. I wouldn’t know what to do in these kinds of situations.”

Ten flashed him a genuine smile, “It’s okay. We’re here to help you freshies aren’t we?”

“Yeah. Thanks, Ten.”

“No problem.” Ten only shrugged and stood up, giving Jeno a light pat on the shoulder, “I’ll be going now. You take care of yourself too okay? Call me if you need anything.”

Jeno only nodded and waved goodbye to Ten when the slightly older man looked back. Inhaling a lungful of breath, Jeno turned his attention to Renjun. He looked serene, sleeping peacefully like that, light puffs of breath escaping his slightly opened lips. At this moment, Jeno was reminded how celestial looking Renjun truly was. His lashes were long and thick, lying prettily on his cheeks like that. His skin was flawless and fair, clear from blemishes and imperfection. Before he could help himself, Jeno found his hand moving on its own accord, brushing away a flock of wayward hair that fell on his forehead.

“Jeno?” Renjun muttered, stirring awake from his slumber, eyes slowly focusing on his face. Jeno immediately withdrew his hand back, hoping that Renjun was still too out of it to take notice of it. He looked around him, confused, “Where am I?”

“You’re in the university hospital.”

“Wait. Am I? But why-  _ oh _ .” Renjun breathed when he realized the IV tube connected to his hand. He winced, “That bad huh?”

“Yeah, you idiot. I found you passed out on the floor. What did I tell you? I told you to survive until I come back. But you just had to fall unconscious and worry me to death. Don’t ever do that again.” Jeno huffed in slight annoyance. More at himself than Renjun but he didn’t want to admit that even to himself.

Renjun just gaped at him in surprise. Jeno felt self conscious so he just pointed his stare towards Renjun’s hand that was pierced with the needle. Well, that was kind of embarrassing considering they were not in that kind of close relationship to warrant Jeno nagging at Renjun. He probably would be surprised too. But he couldn’t help himself. Jeno frowned.

“I’m sorry, Jeno. I promise I won’t worry you like that ever again.” Renjun lifted his unpierced hand and lifted his pinky, “Pinky promise?”

Jeno stared incredulously at Renjun’s awaiting hand. But he thought that it was cute of Renjun to do that so he only scoffed to hide his smile, “Fine.” he grumbled to which the other only responded to with a smile.

“Thanks, Jeno. For everything.”

And to that, Jeno could not help himself but smile because Renjun’s smile was contagious. It was tired, but it was genuine. Color was starting to fill in his skin and Jeno was glad about it. He didn’t think that he’ll be able to handle it if Renjun faints on him again. He didn’t think he cared that much about his roommate, but he guessed that he was subconsciously avoiding it somehow. Afraid that if he got too close, he’ll burn.

In that month, though he also learned that Renjun was studious and neat. He liked his clothes washed and ironed. He never forgets to take a bath or a shower before going to class. Always on time. Never late. He started noticing things he usually just brushed off before.

Renjun mostly wore jeans and a crisp shirt, sometimes with a cardigan if the weather is too cold. All fresh from the closet. Clean and not used like what Jeno had started wearing not even 2 weeks after the classes started. He couldn’t be bothered by the freshness of his clothes anymore as long as he got to attend his lectures and submit papers on time. He knew university was difficult. He didn't think it was this hard.

Renjun was always buzzing with energy. More energy than most university students would have with all the homeworks, presentations and quizzes all up in everyone’s lane, it's hard to keep up with Renjun.

He’s always doing something, Jeno observed. Reading lectures, making notes, folding his clothes, ironing his clothes, painting. He’s always doing something whenever Jeno sees him. It’s like he’s never tired. A ball of energy. Like the sun. Always giving life. Always working. Always alive.

That’s why it came as a shock to him when in the middle of the semester, he saw Renjun scurrying on the road on his way to the West building, wearing a shirt that’s clearly seen better days, worn and wrinkled on some parts, his hair unruly and his face looking like he just woke up. He was so used to seeing Renjun in pristine appearance that he literally did a double take when the man went past his line of vision.

“Renjun?” he called out, uncertain and incredulous.

The man stopped in his tracks and looked back, the frantic look in his face softened into recognition.

“Jeno! Hey, what is it?” he said even though Jeno could tell he’s running late on something. He forgot to mention that Renjun was if not as much then just as polite as him.

“What happened? Why do you look so… disheveled?” he asked, worry lacing his voice like vines. He just couldn’t believe that Renjun, a model student, would let this happen. He’s telling from experience.

Renjun bit his lip and combed his hair with his fingers in frustration. “It’s nothing. I’m just-” he closed his eyes, took a deep breath then sighed, “I’m okay. It’s nothing.”

“Really? I’m here if you wanna talk.” Jeno tentatively asked because it did not look like it’s nothing though he did not want to sound like he’s being pushy. It’s not like they’re the best of friends anyway but still. He wanted to try being Renjun’s friend. In the past weeks that they shared their room, he hadn’t seen Renjun go out besides for his classes and extra school work. Well, if Renjun did go out at some point and he’s clueless about it then Jeno was doing a bad job at playing the good roommate like he should.

“Yeah. It’s nothing.” Renjun nodded and smiled. Then, he stepped back, “I should be going. I’m already running late for my class.”

Jeno nodded vigorously, “Oh yeah. Sorry if I kept you. I- you should go. See you later at the dorm.”

Renjun just waved farewell before turning and practically whizzing through the pavement. Jeno watched him until he’d gone inside the arts building, just to make sure that he’ll get there safely.

Roommate or not, Renjun’s change in demeanor worried Jeno until he’s losing sleep over it. It’s not something gradual, like someone would start getting busy to do the laundry. Or like when someone would start caring less and less about their appearance as studies get to them.

With Renjun, it seemed like a switch was flipped, and everything that made Renjun have disappeared into thin air with no whispers of goodbye; someone entirely new taking over his life and body.

 

 

ooOoo

War

 

The first time he saw him was on a Tuesday afternoon. Warm light from the setting sky was fluttering through the glass windows of his last class. It was the second day ever since university started and Donghyuck was buzzing with excitement for this class. It was one of his major subjects- an art related class. Color and art theory class to be specific, where they don't get to paint much but still.

He loved art and painting, maybe just as much as he loved music and singing. There was something wonder-like in swirling colors on a blank canvass to make a piece of a beautiful whole. All arts were spells created to woo a certain type of person, to make them swoon, make them think, make them feel. Painting was like singing. They both cast a spell on their audience, just uses different platforms. While singing used explosion, painting used implosive devices. That’s just how Donghyuck saw them. Two contrasting forms of art but still very similar in their own way.

The weather was really hot but Donghyuck did not mind. He loved summer despite of the heat being just the remnants of the summer that passed. He loved the ice creams and strawberry flavored pop ice. He loved the sun, birther of all things living. But most importantly, he loved the summer because it brought every color in his surroundings a splash of infinite vibrancy. It’s like everything was amped up whenever it's summer and Donghyuck loved painting in the summer more than anything else.

Ever since he was a child, he had always seen the world in color. In the literal sense and not. He heard in color. He tasted in color. He felt in color.

The man entered the classroom looking like someone fresh out of a teen magazine, all simple, full of boyish charms and bright eyes. Donghyuck saw the room exploded in shimmers of dandelions, drawn in helplessly by the stranger’s aura. He had a hard time taking his eyes off of probably one of the prettiest boys he had ever seen in his life.

Later, he learned that his name was Renjung Huang when he sat behind him and to Donghyuck, he was the the perfect shade of aureolin and maize. His voice was soft, amber in its nature, dripping heavily but still featherlike. His movements were fluid, cobalt like the ocean.

A tap on his shoulder broke him out of his stupor; he looked back and saw Renjun offering him a cupcake.

_ Orange, yellow, pink, yellow. _

_ Yellow. _

“Hey, do you want some?”

Blinking and obviously confused, Donghyuck just shook his head, “No, thank you. I had lunch just a while ago.”

“Oh. That’s too bad. I bought one too many and I’m already full. Guess my roommate won't mind eating it.”

“You live in the dorms?”

Renjun hummed and nodded, “The East one. You?”

“I live in the apartments outside the university proper. Not too far but close enough.”

“Cool. I’m Renjun Huang by the way.”

“Donghyuck Lee. You can just call me Hyuck.” he flashed one of his toothy smile and he could tell that Renjun was warmed by it by the immediate reciprocation of the action.

“I’d shake your hand but mine are still both sticky from eating sweets so…” he trailed off, sheepish.

_ Rose _ .

“It’s cool. We can just shake hands in the air.” Donghyuck suggested.

And they did. They chuckled like little kids after at the ridiculousness of their antics. Donghyuck felt a burst of sunshine inside of him warming his insides and leaving him feeling like he’s floating in liquid apricot.

They easily became friends after that. Renjun provided a color Donghyuck had never had in his life before and it felt so new, fresh and revitalizing. It’s green in the lightest, coolest of shade, it’s red in the liveliest it’s ever been and blue in its most royal appearance. But most importantly, he was yellow in its purest shade. It’s all things untouched and touched at the same time. A familiar unknown.

Donghyuck sang a lot and Renjun had never failed to admire him for it. Vocally so.

“Why didn’t you take the singer route? You could very well pass the entrance exam with flying colors if there is even any.” Renjun wondered out loud once after their color and art theory class, when there was no one but them in the room that were tasked to clean up the place.

Donghyuck hummed in thought. Indeed, why? It was not like his parents forced him to do something he did not want to do. They also didn’t dictate and planned out his life for him. Fortunately, his parents were one of those people who’re all about free will and independence. They let him decide for his life and support him unconditionally except for when he’d crossed his limits which was rare.

He loved his parents and they loved him back as much equally. He’s lucky to have them.

So, why did he choose painting over singing? Donghyuck could only think of one answer to that.

“I love singing.” he started.

Looking at him curiously, Renjun tilted his head to the side, “But?”

“But I love colors more. They give me something infinite to work on. The possibilities of creating something new without limit is liberating to me.” he finished and the room was silent for a moment save for the sounds of their labored movements.

“I guess that’s understandable.” Renjun mused after a while; his back was on Donghyuck, tensed as he continued to wash the brushes clean from the paints dutifully. “With singing, your limit is your vocal chords. But with colors… everything is possible.”

“Exactly. It’s a matter of which will give me the most liberty.” Donghyuck fixed the stack of canvases in the shelf, arranging them by seat number. Better.

“Hyuck, would you ever choose singing over painting?” Renjun suddenly asked, facing Donghyuck. He was taken aback by the determination on his face, but he quickly schooled his features when Renjun flushed a little and said, “I’m just curious. It’s okay if you don’t want to answer that.”

Sauntering over to the Chinese man, Donghyuck stopped a few feet in front of him and crossed his arms on his chest, head tilted to the side, “Why are you curious? If you don’t mind me asking first.”

“I just. I just wanted to know.” Renjun looked down, playing with the hem of his sleeves, looking small and unsure.

Donghyuck hid a smile and booped his chin lightly with his thumb so he’d turn his gaze at him, “It’s okay. I don’t mind. I’m also just curious. And probably, never. I’d choose painting over anything else.”

Renjun looked at him, pupils dark and piercing. Donghyuck could look at those deep pools for just a split second and he’d probably drown. They were murky but not heavy. They were bright and dull. They were mysterious yet also an open book. They were yellow.

“I wish I could say the same thing.” Renjun flashed a smile and Donghyuck felt like Renjun’s yellow turned grey.

He was grey the next time he saw him too. And the one after that and the next. No matter how hard Donghyuck look, he couldn't find even a glimmer of dandelion in Renjun. He looked like he hadn’t slept for days, coloring dark circles around his eyes. He also talked to Donghyuck in short responses and everytime, it looked like he was having a hard time focusing on their topic at hand. Dull grey. Like Renjun wanted to end the conversation as soon as possible and leave.

It was affecting Donghyuck more than he thought it would. The purple claws of worry sank its sharp nails on his insides, deep and wounding. Bleeding from the inside out. He did not know if it was his fault or if he did something wrong to Renjun. He wanted to ask him and be upfront about it but Renjun always leave the room first, finding excuses Donghyuck couldn’t possibly deny him from.

He knew they were not close enough to warrant an explanation but to Donghyuck, he saw them as friends at least. At this point, he wondered if it was only him who thought so.

“He’s definitely having some problems too personal for your level of friendship.” Doyoung said one night when they were at the living room that they turned into a huge study hall for everyone. He had three other flatmates besides Doyoung and him, all still out for night classes or a night out.

That night, he told Doyoung about his worries when the older male asked him why he couldn’t seem to focus on his readings. Doyoung looked like he know exactly what to do with his life so when he asked him to spill, Donghyuck did.

“I want him to know that he can confide in me. But every time I tried, he looked scared. I’m not sure if it’s of me or of something else. I don’t remember saying anything offensive to him. Or doing something to him for me to be avoided like this.”

“Well, you can't do anything about it if he doesn’t want your help.” Donghyuck opened his mouth to protest but Doyoung held up a hand which shut him up, “Give him time. But if you really want to know, just go be creative. Write him a letter. Call him. Text him. Ask his roommate. And here I thought you’re the artist between the two of us. Where’s your imagination, kid?”

Donghyuck pouted and pondered over what Doyoung said. He was right. Of course, Doyoung was right. He wasn’t in the dean’s list and in an academic scholarship program for nothing. They easily fell back into the comfortable silence of studying together after a little more ‘counseling’.

He considered calling Renjun or texting him. Even considered writing him a letter but stopped every time. To him, it just seemed too… impersonal. Too insincere for his liking. It did not feel like he’s reaching Renjun enough. Felt like the man deserved more than that. It’s not enough. Somehow, somewhere along his trail of thoughts, he realized that he wanted to make Renjun feel significant.

He wanted to return the dandelions and breathe life into them. Maybe then, Renjun will shine yellow again.

The opportunity came weeks after. Renjun was still gray with no room for splotches of other hues. They were alone in the room again, but this time it was because they have to finish their first painting. Donghyuck did not noticed at first, because ever since then, he had always taken his time when it comes to painting; always so immersed in the damp strokes of brush on the canvass, in the colors, in the shades.

It was when the sky had turned dark and his stomach was screaming for dinner that he stopped working on his piece and called it a day. As he stood up, he stretched and looked around, completely unaware of the other soul in the room until he saw him.

“Renjun?” Donghyuck said, stumped.

The man looked up and the surprise in his face indicated that he too, did not notice that they were the only ones left in the room. Renjun looked around, only then just taking in that it was kind of late and Donghyuck watched in silence. He had a streak of scarlet on his cheek and his slender hands were stained with a mirage of shades. Despite of those, he was still gray, out of place in his own skin.

“I didn’t realize it was night time already.” Renjun gingerly placed his palette and brush on the stool next to him and fished out his phone from his pocket. “Oh crap. Jeno must be worried.” he murmured.

Before he could stop himself, Donghyuck blurted out, “Do you wanna get dinner?”

Renjun was shocked for a moment, hands stilled on his rush to pack his things up. Donghyuck felt anxious and out of his comfort zone. He could already feel the rejection in the air. So, he was surprised when Renjun simply just said, “Okay. Let’s finish up here first before we get food. I’m hungry.”

“Okay.” Donghyuck did not know what came to him but he walked towards Renjun and lifted his hand to which Renjun looked at him curiously. His hand stayed in there air though, asking for permission. Renjun nodded. “You have something on your face.”

With a wet tissue, Donghyuck wiped the red on his cheeks, careful not to hurt Renjun. Their faces were close enough but still comfortable. Renjun’s silent on the other end, looking at anywhere other than Donghyuck. It’s okay. They’re okay. When Donghyuck was done, Renjun gave him a bashful smile, cheeks tinted in powder cherry. He’s still gray. But that’s a start.

“Thank you, Hyuck.” he said and proceeded to pack his things up. Donghyuck went back to his place and finished packing too.

On his way out, before he turned the lights off in the room, he caught a glimpse of Renjun’s art piece. The canvass was basked in crimson, splattered in scarlet and smudged in blood. They were in perfect harmony but also at war. Shades of red fighting to break free from one another but also to absorb each other. It was fascinating to look at. It was uncomfortable to gaze at. There was something too intimate in the swirls of colors. Donghyuck turned the lights off quickly because it felt like he was intruding on Renjun’s inner turmoil.

That day, even though the opportunity to ask Renjun about what’s going on in his life was there, Donghyuck did not pry anymore. It seemed like when Renjun is ready, he will open up but for now, Donghyuck was content with doing everything he can for Renjun to know that he’s there and he’s appreciated.

It worked. Because after that night, Renjun returned to being his friend, talking to him regularly and smiling at him. He’s still gray, still looked scared and about to jump out of his skin sometimes and Donghyuck still couldn’t see any signs of dandelion but it’s a start. He realized it was not him that made him feel ruby with fear, that it was something else. Or someone else. He didn’t ask. Renjun did not tell. But they make their friendship work somehow.

Renjun’s fear was all shades of red. Blinding, glacier like, and sharp around the edges. It’s raw and ever so present. It’s blood in his veins and sunset in the sky. Donghyuck wished he would just reach out to ask for help. But he didn’t. Because he was Renjun Huang, and he’s strong no matter how fragile he looked on the outside. No matter how gray.

Donghyuck thought that Renjun Huang was a pillar, tall and stubborn.

 

 

ooOoo

Famine

 

The first time he saw him was when they just finished playing for the try outs in their university’s soccer team. He was sitting on the grass near the field, knees drawn up and pencil scratching purposely on paper. His messenger bag was perched on his side, different pencils scattered on the grass in front of him, probably with different grades.

Jaemin watched him draw from afar, curious. He was sweating from playing soccer, but at least he knew there was no way he won’t be accepted for the team. The coach and members were full of praising remarks for him. He was grateful and glad that his talent was recognized. Pats on his back were given while he was drinking from his tumbler of water which he only responded to with a smile and a nod.

It was when he looked up again to catch a glimpse of the man on the grass when he saw him looking right at him, watching him, observing. He felt self-conscious until he realized that the man’s hand with the pencil was moving on the pad of paper.

It was Jaemin who he was drawing.

That’s… Jaemin find that intriguing. He knew he wasn’t the most good looking person in the field, there was this senior named Jungwoo who looked like he was carved out by some Gods, but somehow, it looked like the artist found him interesting enough and in the short time that passed while he rushed to get inside and take a refreshing shower, he concluded that the feeling was mutual. He decided to approach the artist.

When he went out, fresh out of the shower and smelling nothing like sun and sweat, he looked around for the guy and found him in the same spot he first seen him in, still drawing and looking perfectly at peace with himself. Jaemin couldn’t help the small smile that formed on his lips when he approached him and his presence was left ignored. The man was too focused on his art piece. He saw that it was him on the paper indeed, he was smiling while holding his water, and he couldn’t believe how charming his face was. It was open and bright. He looked blissful.

To say that Jaemin was in awe at the artist’s interpretation of himself was a complete understatement. The happiness was radiating from the paper, and it’s just a black and white sketch of him.

“You drew me so well. I’m flattered.” Jaemin said when he decided to make his presence known by sitting on the guy’s side who in turn, got startled causing him to drop his pencil and paper on the grass floor. Jaemin giggled at the cuteness.

“Oh my God!” the man said, hand on his chest, a feat to calm his heart. “That gave me a shock.”

“Sorry. It’s just that I saw you drawing and wanna talk to you. Turns out you were drawing me.” Jaemin explained. The stranger was pretty with his fair complexion, dark eyes and thin lips dusted in old rose. “I’m Jaemin Na. You?”

The stranger blushed and fixed his glasses, “Renjun Huang.” he picked up his pencil and paper, dusting them from invisible dirt before he looked at Jaemin straight in the eyes, apologetic, “I would shake your hand but my hands are dirty and covered in charcoal.”

Jaemin shrugged, eyes locked on dainty hands stained in black and grey, “It’s okay. I just took a bath anyway so I wouldn’t wanna get dirty” he said jokingly which Renjun just snorted a laugh at. “So, why me?”

Renjun looked confused for a moment before everything fell into place, his face reddened, “Oh. I’m sorry if I didn’t ask for permission. It’s just you look really good when you smile. I wanted to sketch it.”

Scoffing, Jaemin shook his head, “What are you saying? It’s okay. I don’t mind. Like I said, I’m flattered since you drew me really prettily. I don’t even look that good.”

“Yes, you do.” Renjun beamed at him. Jaemin felt like the sun was shining brightly directly at his face and Renjun’s smile was blinding him.

“Since an artist like you said so, I’ll believe it then.” Jaemin said, enthralled by Renjun’s demeanor. When the wind blew a breeze to his direction, Jaemin caught a whiff of Renjun’s scent. He smelled like mint and wood. Like a rainforest, he smelled earthly and heavenly. If it was his perfume, Jaemin would ask about it, but he had a feeling that most of it was just Renjun’s natural scent.

“You should since I don’t lie.” Renjun mused while smudging something on the drawing to create a shade.

Renjun definitely does not lie, Jaemin found out when they started hanging out after that day. He’s always upfront and straight to the point though meek at first. His smile was genuine. His frown was sincere. His actions held truth in every movement of his body, in every flick of his wrists. His face was full of honest and raw emotions everytime Jaemin sees him. A fresh of breath air in the world full of people hiding behind self-made masks.

It’s the simplest of things that drew Jaemin in to Renjun’s emanation.

It was in the way he dressed up like himself; all neat, comfortable, fresh and soft. It was in the way Renjun laughed, mindless velvet melody under the sunlight. The moles that run up his arm, stars on his skin. Everything small about Renjun made a big impact on Jaemin.

“What is it?” Renjun asked one day when Jaemin handed him a small square box after his soccer team practice. He just got out of the shower rooms, hair still dripping. It was routine that Renjun would wait for him so they could go to the library to study for statistics, which, they were both surprised when they found out that they have the same class of.

Jaemin grinned and shrugged, “Open it and you’ll see.”

Renjun regarded him and the box with suspicion evident in his narrowed eyes. “Something wouldn’t pop out and surprise me right? This better not be a prank, Jaemin Na.”

“It’s not. What do you take me for?” Jaemin plopped on the grass to sit next to Renjun as he watched the latter gingerly untie the ribbon from the box, yellow lace falling on his lap graciously. He felt worn out, the practice today was a lot intense than the previous ones. The interuniversity sports league was nearing and the team was hell bent on defending their title as the champion.

However, seeing Renjun made him feel a little bit better. His own energy pill.

Renjun gasped when he finally opened the box, and Jaemin watched as his face contort into surprise then dissipated into confusion when he turned to him. “What’s this?” he repeated, now voice laced with intent to know why than what.

“It’s a bracelet, you doofus. What else?” Jaemin sniggered at the open hesitation and daze in Renjun’s face.

“I know that. But what for?”

“For you.”

Renjun blinked, “But why?”

He hummed. Why, indeed. Jaemin also didn’t know. He just wanted to buy something for Renjun that he could always carry with him. Something that will remind Jaemin that Renjun and him were friends. It was a ridiculous spur of the moment action when Jaemin was browsing for a new watch and he saw a set that comes with a cuff/bracelet. He bought one set for him and just the bracelet for Renjun.

“I just wanted to. It’s a symbol of our friendship. See?” He lifted up his left hand and showed Renjun the watch and cuff, beaming, “We’re gonna be matching if you wear it.”

Renjun was silent for a moment. Then, his lips formed the most beautiful smile Jaemin had seen. A chuckle escaped those lips, “You’re ridiculous. We just met like, a few weeks ago.” he said but without the bite, instead, it was adorned in fond. “Put it on me?”

If hearts could explode in bliss, Jaemin would be dead by now. He felt happy knowing that what he did for the other man made him feel happiness. This was why he loved giving gifts, the joy and satisfaction that could be felt was unrivaled.

“Sure.” he said, trying so hard to tamper the giddiness inside of him. “It doesn’t matter, anyway. If you think real friendship can be measured by time, unfriend me now.”

Carefully, Jaemin clasped the cuff on Renjun’s wrist, making his moles stand out for everyone to see, for everyone to adore. Suddenly, he had the urge to leave soft kisses on Renjun’s moles but he stopped himself since he feels content already with just watching the other man check the cuff on his wrist with blatant awe. The rose gold glint under the setting sun, salmon sky and gold glittering, reflecting.

“You’re right.” Renjun said, then softly, a small smile dancing on his lips, he added, “But this will be the only time I’ll ever accept something this expensive. Thank you. It’s beautiful, Jaemin.”

His breathe got caught and suddenly, his throat felt parched and sandy. Renjun was beautiful like this. A simple pastel shirt that shyly showed the skin below his neck, jeans dark and ripped but did not reveal much and just worn out but well take cared of sneakers. He was most beautiful in simplicity. Jaemin couldn’t help but just admire.

“Yeah. It’s beautiful.” he murmured.

One of Renjun’s flaws, Jaemin found out, was numbers. Well, more specifically, Renjun hated statistics. Luckily for him, Jaemin was a good friend and a brilliant student. And in the end, Jaemin found himself tutoring the slightly smaller man occasionally.

They were seated on a table near the middle of the study hall, both of their heads ducked on the papers due tomorrow for their statistics class, when Renjun’s phone sang a tune. He felt him perked up beside him and distracted, Jaemin glanced at the man.

He quickly fished out his phone from his pocket and answered the call, the glint on his left hand sparked the pride in Jaemin’s mind.

“Hello?” he said quietly, giving apologetic bows to the people around him who got disturbed by the blast of sound in the otherwise silent hall. Jaemin went back to writing his solution, trying his hardest not to eavesdrop but also curious. There was something in Renjun’s demeanor that changed and the man seemed like he’s buzzing from too much energy, bright, so very bright.

“Ah… no, I haven’t eaten yet… I’m at the study hall doing my statistics paper… Right now? Of course, I’m not busy. I’d love to… Wait- you’re outside? Ah, that’s… Give me a minute and I’ll meet with you… yes. Yeah... I’ll be outside. See you too.” When Renjun dropped the call, Jaemin was too intrigued by the conversation to realize that the man was trying to get his attention.

“Jaemin!” Renjun whisper shouted.

He blinked back to reality, “Yeah?”

“I have to go. I’m already done with my paper anyway. I just had to write the last part.” he hurriedly said while carelessly picking up his things and shoving them inside his messenger bag. “I’m meeting up with someone for dinner. You’re okay being alone, right?”

Jaemin only nodded. Renjun looked… he looked really happy and excited. For what? Or was it… because of that someone he’s meeting? He wanted to ask but Renjun looked like he’s just going to fly out of the windows if he doesn’t start walking soon.

“I’m cool. I just have to finish this section first then I’m leaving in a bit too.” he said.

“That’s good, man. Sorry I have to go. See you tomorrow?”

“Sure. Yeah. See you in class.”

Renjun left with a hasty smile and wave to which Jaemin reciprocated half heartedly. He didn't think Renjun noticed, obviously too occupied with thoughts of that someone he just talked to on the phone. With a shrug, Jaemin just went back to school work. It’s none of his business anyway.

That was what he said in his mind but his body was already moving on its own, hurriedly packing his things to rush out just to get a glimpse of who that someone might be. He just wanted to see who made Renjun turn into a beacon with just a phone call. Hell, he’s naturally curious. Sue him.

When he dashed outside the building, he looked around a bit but realized that it was all too late. He cursed under his breath, feeling foolish about what he just did. What was he thinking anyway? A bitter laugh escaped his mouth. Shaking his head, he started to make his way home, deciding that he’s just going to finish the paper inside the walls of his room.

Thoughts of Renjun and a faceless stranger plagued his mind. Who was it? When did they meet? Was it someone he knew? Have they always made Renjun light up like the stars, sparkling and twinkling in the vast night sky? More questions poured inside his thoughts as he walked to the bus stop, distracted. It was pissing him off enough that his car was in the shop, now he had to overthink things himself to death. Jaemin felt irritated at himself and at the world.

So when he reached the stop, the bus was already leaving. Fortunately, the next one comes just a few minutes later so Jaemin decided to sit on the bench to ponder more about why his mind couldn’t stop thinking about Renjun.

When he looked up, though, he was stunned to see Renjun’s smiling face, bright and blinding. He was inside the bus, talking to a man with bronze hair, his back facing Jaemin for his attention was only on Renjun. He had broad shoulders covered in a blazer of the color of honey.

He couldn’t see his face but there was one thing Jaemin realized when the bus already left and the image of the two was stuck inside his brain; whoever that man was, Renjun was clearly and irrevocably at bliss with him to a fault. It kind of bummed him out but a bigger part of him was embarrassed to witness such an intimate thing. They weren’t even touching, no, but there was something deep and intricate in the atmosphere that surrounded them no matter if he just saw them for a couple of seconds. Renjun was glowing.

The man was making Renjun glow like no other. And Jaemin… Jaemin felt his stomach lurched.

It was not supposed to be like that.

So meeting Renjun the next morning came in the form of shock and bewilderment to Jaemin. Statistics was their first class on that day and Renjun always come diligently, prepared for whatever lecture their professor decided to do because he knew he was lacking. Jaemin admired and envied his determination. Never once was he late, never once a hair uncombed and clothes unironed. Renjun was always on his top game to say the least.

But what sat beside Jaemin looked like a mess. Not in a stinking kind of mess, no, Renjun would never smell bad, he thinks, but in a more disoriented, unfocused mess. His eyes were tired and a little red rimmed, his lips were bitten red and his hair was tousled unceremoniously.

“Hey, you look tired. Did you pull up an all nighter?” Jaemin asked once Renjun got settled on the seat beside him. Renjun’s eyes glazed over him for a second before turning away, shy of contact. Huh. Renjun had never been one to not look someone in the eye.

“Yeah.” Renjun simply just said as he busy himself with pulling out his papers from his messenger bag. Jaemin couldn’t get a word in, the class was already starting.

Minutes passed by like it was being dragged down by lead. He wanted to talk to Renjun. The latter man looked so exhausted beside him, like he was on the verge of fainting. It worried him like the plague.

When classes finished, Renjun quickly got up but Jaemin’s reflex was faster. His hand shot up to grabbed Renjun’s wrist. His bare left wrist. Rose gold cuff that had always been there was nowhere to be seen. A pang of disappointment hit Jaemin like a truck but he swallowed it down. Maybe he just forgot.

“Wait. Where are you going, Renjun?”

“I- I have something to do.”  _ Lies. _ How Jaemin can figure that out, he didn’t know.

“Bullshit. Let’s go eat brunch. I want to talk to you.”

Renjun looked panicked for a moment then his expression settled for calm and resignation, “Okay.”

Renjun just lied to his face and did not bother to hide it. Renjun, who said he does not lie, who had always been truthful in his way. It pained Jaemin to know that he couldn’t make him trust him enough to share his worries with him.

When they sat in a corner of the coffee shop and already placed their orders, Jaemin sighed, observing Renjun’s even smaller frame.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.”  _ Another lie _ .

“Renjun…” Jaemin said with a warning tone and Renjun flinched. He felt bad so he reached out to hold his hand. Renjun let him. “I want to help. But if you don’t tell me anything, I can’t do that.”

Renjun bit his lip and intertwined their fingers, clasping tightly on to Jaemin, like he was grounding himsel because if he didn’t he would just fly away and get swept off of his feet. Like he was holding on for his dear life. But then, he let go and picked up the tissue, playing with it. Jaemin’s hand felt burned and empty.

“I’ll be okay, Jaemin.”

“Renjun… I want protect you.”

“You can’t protect me from myself.” Renjun sighed, letting the exhaustion from his body seeping out from his face, making him seem older. Renjun gave him a smile, so bitter it hurt to look at, “I did it to myself anyway.”

“That’s… That’s too much, Renjun. You’re saying that you don't want my help but you’re giving me more reasons to worry.”

“I’m sorry, Jaemin. I just- you can’t protect me but want to help me at the same time. It’s not something easy. It’s no black and white.”

And Jaemin couldn’t say anything to that. He tried to, he opened his mouth but he couldn’t think of the right words to say that will convince Renjun otherwise. So he just shut his lips in a tight line. He felt helpless. He felt pissed at himself. He felt useless.

“Was it because of the guy you were with yesterday?” he blurted out, shocking even himself.

Renjun gaped at him, lips parted slightly and eyes widened. Color drained from his face and he looked like he was about to vomit. But all of a sudden, his lips thinned and his jaw flexed.

“That’s none of your business, Jaemin. Drop it.” he snapped, voice cold like ice and stare freezing. It was the first time Jaemin saw Renjun looked pissed and it put him to shame. He’s right, it was none of his business.

He looked down on his hands, “You’re right. I’m sorry. Forget I asked.”

Timely, their orders arrived and they let the waiter place their orders on the table in silence. Jaemin didn’t look at Renjun’s direction for the entire time the waiter was there.

“I’m sorry, too.” Renjun said softly when the service crew left. “For snapping. And for being difficult.”

“No. Don’t be. I crossed the line. It’s okay. I just want you to know that I’ll be here whenever you need me. Always.”

“I know. Thanks, Jaemin.” Renjun reached out and gave his arm a squeeze before dropping the topic and digging in.

To wait in silence on the sidelines was all Jaemin could do for Renjun. Until Renjun decided to look at him and ask for his help, Jaemin willed himself to be patient. He will and he could. For Renjun.

Renjun didn’t mention their conversation nor did Jaemin. They kept to their routine but both of them knew there was something lacking. Maybe it was Renjun who was lacking. Because to Jaemin, Renjun was once complete but now, he seemed like half empty, trying so desperately to be whole again. He wouldn’t show it but Jaemin could see it in his smile. It was a lie. A mask. A veil.

And so everyday, Jaemin hoped that he could put the pieces back together and make Renjun’s true smile shine.

 

 

ooOoo

Death

 

The first time he saw him, he was shy yet he was also spring. Where flowers bloom in their brightest, birds sing their praises and butterflies splash colors. Renjun was spring and Mark immediately fell for every single thing that made up spring.

It was also the summer before university start classes and Mark, being an active member of the governing student body of their school, he was required to help out in the last minute preparations for the start of the new semester. It was light work and gave him access to advance readings so Mark gladly accepted the job. Helping people had always make him feel satisfied.

That day, the sky was pouring cats and dogs, a summer’s worth of clouds falling heavily to the ground when his phone rang and startled him out of his stupor.

“‘Sup, J?” Mark answered when he picked up the call.

“Hey, man. Thank God you answered. Are you still at school?” his friend from the other line asked, relief overflowing in his voice.

“Yeah. Sorry, I was in the basement laboratories and you know how crappy the signal is in there. Why did you call?”

“I need to ask you a favor.”

“Of course.” Mark snorted when he heard a faint ‘shut up’ from the other side. “What’s it? And don’t borrow money from me because you’re shit at returning them. In fact, don’t borrow anything from me and we’re good.” he sniggered when his friend cursed at him as he’s rummaging through his bag to look for his umbrella, phone balanced between his shoulder and head. The rain was relentless outside.

“I just need you to pick someone up for me at the bus stop near the West uni exit. He’s already there and he didn’t bring an umbrella. I don’t think I could make it in time because my professor still needs my input on the presentation we’re using for the upcoming semester. You brought your car right?”

Mark stopped at the entrance of the building, umbrella already on his hand and phone on the other, “Uhh… yeah. Sure. I guess I could pick him up. Do you want me to bring him to our apartment?”

He could hear his friend shake his head from the other side of the line, “No. I have a reservation in this restaurant. Take him there and I’ll meet you guys up. I promise the next Friday’s pizza is on me.”

Mark clucked his tongue, “You better. I’m letting my car seat get wet for someone I don't even know. Does he have a name, then?”

“His name is Renjun. Thanks, man. I owe you this one. I’ll send you a pic of him and the address of the restaurant.”

“Yeah. Yeah. I want the pizza from that expensive pizza house and not from that shitty pizza parlor near our apartment okay?”

“Yeah. Just go pick him up. He’s waiting.”

Mark dropped the call as soon as they both bid quick farewells to each other and started for the car park that’s on the side of the science research building. He guessed this Renjun guy was someone very important to his friend considering he asked Mark for this favor when he rarely does so. It just wasn't in his nature since J had always been independent and hardworking on his own. It was what he liked about his friend.

He drove off quickly once he got inside the car and received the picture and address. His car was a simple maroon Elantra, a secondhand model that his parents bought for him as a gift for graduating high school and to make his university life easier. It still worked perfectly. After all, the previous owner had only used it for a year before she sold it to his parents. They were lucky enough to receive a once in a blue moon offer like that.

The West exit wasn’t that far off from the science research building so Mark reached the bus stop sooner. He slowed the car down, careful not to hit any puddles to cause a splash.

A lone man was sitting on the bus stop. He knew Renjun was cute, he noticed while looking at the picture a while ago. Of course, he was cute. His friend had a type. But to see him in person? Mark realized that cameras could not do him justice. If angels exist, Mark thought they would probably cower at the beauty of the man shivering under the small shed that the stop provided.

Quickly, Mark pulled up on the side and rolled down the window on the passenger seat.

“Hey, you’re Renjun?” he called out in the sound of the pouring rain.

Renjun startled in surprise, looked around him like there was anyway another person would be in the shed in a weather like this, then turned his eyes back to Mark, expression bewildered and lips shivering.

“Me?” Renjun pointed out to himself.

“Yeah. You. Are you Renjun Huang?”

Hesitantly, Renjun nodded, “How did you know me?”

“J sent me to pick you up. I’m Mark, by the way.” Mark extended a hand to open the door of the passenger seat from the inside. “Hop in. There’s a heater.”

Renjun only just stared at him first for a few moments before probably deciding that it was better to be inside the car of a stranger than die because of hypothermia.

“I’m Renjun. I would shake your hand but mine is freezing so I don't think that would feel nice.” he flashed him a smile, and Mark was again taken aback by how pretty this man was.

Mark gave him a polite smile, “Mark. Mark Lee. And it’s cool. Do you want me to turn up the heater for you?”

“Yes, please. Thank you.” When the heater was turned up, Renjun immediately put his cold fingers in front of the fans, heating them up like a kid would to a bonfire. A small sigh of content escaped his lips, “That was so much better.”

“So, where did you and J meet?” Mark started once he pulled into the inner lane and accelerated.

“We’re from the same neighborhood. He was my mom’s friend’s son and we used to play together when we’re little kids.” Renjun explained animatedly, despite the cold temperature he was probably feeling right now. Mark pondered how long he must have been out in the cold waiting for his friend. Probably more than half an hour… or worse, even an hour. He felt a tang of annoyance but dismissed it quickly.

“You’re childhood friends? That’s cool.”

“Yup,” Renjun popped the sound of ‘p’ and somehow Mark found that adorable, “And I’ll be studying at the university in this upcoming semester. It’s too bad though. He promised he was going to give me a tour today but it rained and-” Renjun stopped and Mark waited for him to continue. The man coughed, seeming to think about his next words carefully, “He said his professor wouldn't let him go.”

Mark hummed, “That’s true. That’s what he told me anyway before he asked me to pick you up. Don’t be too upset. I’m taking you to this fancy restaurant that he reserved for you both. ‘said he’s gonna follow there.”

If Renjun could light up like a million fairy lights, he would. Mark could feel him literally buzzed from excitement, “Really?”

“Yeah. Wait. You didn't know?”

“No, I didn’t! He’s such a sneak, that bastard.” he said fondly, a smile dancing on his lips as he turned his gaze to stare outside. It was futile for Mark could still sense his happiness overflowing from his tiny self. It was honestly adorable.

“Crap. I think I just ruined my friend’s surprise.” Mark said jokingly to which Renjun chuckled to. It sounded melodious to his ears, velvety and crisp. His laugh felt like flowers blooming to welcome the spring, a nice sound that embraces the sunlight.

They had more small talks before they reach the place. It was a simple restaurant, clearly new and up and coming. It wasn’t even that big but it had this homey and cozy feel to it that warms its customers. It looked nice. Mark had to give his friend a pat in the back when they meet for choosing such an intimate yet friendly place.

Speaking of, he checked his phone for a message or a missed call from his friend just to see if he’s already on his way to the place. None. Huh. Mark frowned, thinking about how his friend must’ve still been kept busy by his professor.

Renjun and him were already seated to the table reserved for him and his friend. Mark suddenly felt out of place in his own skin inside the place.

“Do you want to go? I’m fine waiting here by myself. I don’t want to keep you from your plans for tonight. You’ve already done so much for me.” Renjun asked, gratefulness and worry woven in his voice.

Mark shakes his head. A reflex to appease Renjun. He didn’t know where that idea came from but he found himself already doing it. “No. I don't have any prior plans for tonight anyway. I’ll just wait until J shows up. I don’t want him nagging at me later for leaving you alone or something.”

Beaming, Renjun nodded, “That’s okay for me too. I like talking to you.”

He almost preened at the compliment. Almost. He tampered it down at the exact moment and opted to just settle for grinning, “Me too.”

A waiter came by their table, asking if they were ready to order to which Renjun politely refused and said that if it’s okay, they will order when their company arrives. The waiter left with a bow.

Mark was… he was fascinated at the way Renjun handled himself with unpracticed grace. To him, it felt natural to move so with so much care and patience, softness and firmness at the same time. He was truly a source of spring in every season. It felt as though he brought flowers and bloom with him. Growth and beauty. Life and a fresh start.

Mark wondered if his friend could see what he was seeing when he look at Renjun. He was like a fine China, delicate and lovely to the touch.

His phone rang for the second time that day and he fished it out of his pocket, still chuckling at Renjun’s story about how he loved this cartoon character called  _ Moomin _ and to which he called ridiculous. Renjun sulked like a kid so he took it back and said he was kidding.

“Hello?” he answered, whisper of smile on his lips.

“Mark?”

Mark snapped back to his senses, back straightening in alert, “Hey, man. Where are you? Me and Renjun have been in the restaurant for like, half an hour already.”

He saw Renjun perked up in his seat, looking at him expectantly. He mouthed his friends name and the other man visibly melted.

“Yeah. About that. Uhm. Mark, I’m still here at the theater. I’m really sorry to ask you for this but could you guys go eat without me? I promise I’ll pay you back at home. I can’t make it today. I would’ve called Renjun but his phone seemed like its off. I’ve tried to call him.”

“Do you want to talk to him at least? He’s right in front of me.” Mark’s face must've give the negative news away because one moment Renjun was beaming, the next, his eyes lost its sparkle.

“Oh. That would be better. Thank you, Mark. Yes please. I’d like to talk to him.”

He passed the phone to Renjun wordlessly and the latter accepted it, face stoic.

“... Hello?” Renjun said, voice small. “Yeah. I’m already here at the place with Mark… It’s okay, don't be sorry… You’ll just have to make it up to me next time… I’m in good hands. Your friend Mark is really nice… Yeah, I understand… You, too. Take care of yourself. See you when uni starts, I guess… Yes… Bye.” Mark didn’t want to hear the one sided conversation because it sounded too evasive of their privacy but he had no choice. The worst part wasn't even that, the worst part was he could hear that Renjun was trying so hard to mask his disappointment with feigned bravado.

He felt bad for Renjun. But he also could understand his friend. University just get to everyone's lives like that sometimes. And it was clear that his friend felt sorry and disappointed just as much.

When Renjun returned his phone, they were silent for a moment. Both of them unsure on how to proceed their nights now that they don’t have any goal in mind. Should they proceed with the dinner or just leave for home?

“Do you wanna still get dinner-?”

“Let’s go out for ice cream-”

They both spoke in unison but also stopped simultaneously. Mark blinked at Renjun. “Ice cream? But it’s already freezing.” he asked.

Renjun shrugged, “Ice cream is for every season.”

And to that, Mark couldn’t form a rebuttal. So they quickly left the restaurant, avoiding every service crew members who looked at their way from overstaying their time without ordering anything to get some ice cream.

That day, it was raining really hard, the temperature was freezing, but they ate ice cream in a parlor with no care in the world. Maybe because both of them wanted to bury the memory of what happened in the restaurant. Mark, because it was awkward and uncomfortable. And Renjun, because it was painful to be disappointed over something he had probably looked forward to for a long time. They had their own reasons why they wanted to eat ice cream, but neither voiced it out loud for they already knew deep inside them.

University started soon after and Mark became busy with being a sophomore and an active student body member. It was a tough juggle, but he made it work somehow.

Renjun and he became friends after that and kept in touch because the man had to go back to his own city for the rest of the summer. They call and text each other about random things. And his friend even kept his promise about taking Renjun out on a proper dinner when he finally went home for summer vacation. Renjun was panicking about what to wear and how to style his hair and Mark had to video call him to help him out. It went great according to Renjun.

So all in all, it was going great for him and Renjun after that night.

It was also going well for his academics and extracurriculars. Mark felt accomplished knowing that he could balance both yet also leave time for himself to have fun and hang out with his friends. People say university was difficult but for Mark, it was enjoyable and he can handle the pressure well. He hoped that he would never have to experience or feel the “difficult” part of it.

It was weeks after the classes have officially started when Mark found himself walking along the aisles of their university library, looking for a certain book for his modern literature class that their professor told them to get a hold of. He was hoping to borrow it for a few days, read it and jot down some notes that he think would be significant to their lecture.

It took him a few minutes before he found the book, after all, the art and literature aisles were way down the hall. It was nighttime and there were only a few students left inside the library, scattered here and there, quiet save for the occasional clicking of laptop keyboards, pages turning, and coughing.

“Mark?” someone with a familiar voice said in a small voice.

He turned and saw Renjun sitting on the floor in the art guide books aisle, papers strewn on the floor like he had been in the place long enough for him to looked comfortable like that. His knees were drawn up to his chest, making him look smaller than he already is.

“Hey, Renjun. What are you doing here? Why aren’t you in one of the tables? There are a lot of vacant ones.” he said frowning,

Renjun made a face, then shrugged, “I like it better when I’m studying about my art theory readings here. It makes me concentrate more.” He patted the empty space beside him, “Come, join me! I’m waiting for J to pick me up anyway. You can join us for dinner later.”

“On the floor?” Mark said dumbly.

“Where else do you want to sit? On my lap?” Renjun sniggered.

That earned him a huff from a reluctant Mark who sat beside him with a shake on his head, “Isn’t this against library rules?”

“No? I don’t know. I’ve never been scolded or called out for it so I think it’s okay as long as I keep silent and leave with my messes.”

“Fair point.” Mark concede.

“What’s that book?” Renjun asked, curious about the book on his hands.

“Just some book my professor told us to read.”

“ _ Love Letters to The Dead _ ? That’s some dark title.”

“It is supposed get dark.” Mark hummed, turning the book on his hand. Their professor briefly discussed the book to the whole class before telling them that it was their next reading. According to her, it gets pretty deep and dark.

“That’s scary.” Renjun just said before turning to his readings.

“So, J will pick you up when?” he asked after a beat.

“After his theater.” Renjun murmured.

“Oh. Okay.” Mark only just nodded and watched Renjun as he went back to reading, occasionally humming some melody that only made sense to him.

It was night time so the sky outside was dark and onyx. The lights inside the library were bright and ugly. Too plain. Too clear. Too boring. But looking at Renjun, it just brought out his features more vividly. His lashes fell perfectly on his eyes, casting shadow on his cheeks whenever he blinked. The slope of his nose was straight and slight, endearing. His lips were petals moving to the rhythm of whatever song he’s singing under his breath, soft and plush dusted in pink. He’s beautiful. And Mark wanted to explore more of him. Wanted to know him more.

Mark frowned and turned away. What was that? Renjun was his friend. Probably,  _ dating _ his friend too even though they never really exclusively said anything about it. And Mark had some weird thoughts about him just now. Actually… Mark had been thinking a lot about Renjun these past few days. His smile. His deep dark eyes. How he resembles the season of blooming flowers. Suddenly, Mark felt uncomfortable sitting there, alone, with Renjun.

He didn't have time to ponder more on it though because Renjun’s phone pinged in the silence and he fished it out quickly, eager to attend to the sender of the message.

It was just a slight change in expression, his lips falling apart lightly, and a gulp. However, Mark knew the reason for his crestfallen face before Renjun even told him. When the man turned to him after pocketing his phone, he looked cheerful again, apologetic but the disappointment that Mark caught a glimpse of was nowhere to be found.

“J said he couldn’t pick me up.” Renjun’s eyes seemed unfocused despite of his bright facade. “Do you wanna get ice cream instead?”

“Sure.” Mark said without hesitation and was reciprocated with a grateful expression.

After that, ice cream became their thing because Renjun being disappointed and set aside became a thing.

Mark didn’t want to say a thing, because he was in no position to meddle with anyone’s affairs. He knew Renjun was masking the hurt, bottling up the disappointment inside of him. He didn’t ask for Mark’s pity nor for his help. He simply just wanted some company at times when Mark’s friend and flatmate would cancel on him.

To be fair, Mark would meddle if J was just being a dick to Renjun. He would say some words for Renjun’s sake because after all, he became someone who was also important to Mark. But his friend wasn’t running around town and partying, he was honestly just… busy. Sometimes, there were just too many plates on one’s hand. Being a senior theater major and their department’s student president who was graduating that year, his schedule was packed. Not to mention that he was running for a Latin title. The pressure and stress must already be wearing him out. His friend worked hard, most of the time Mark would see him sleeping on the dining table, books splayed out before him. Or he would stay at the theater, painting props, helping the writers, checking up on the light and sound.

He worried for his friend a lot. Because it must have been very tiring. But whenever he asked, J would just smile and say something positive to brush his worry.

He still had time for Renjun though. But it was more often than not that he would cancel on him. Most of those times, Renjun would call Mark to ask him out for ice cream. And every time they would go out, Mark would see each petal fall and die out of his eyes. It was like something poisonous was killing him, slowly, painfully, torturously. It hurt him to see. But it hurt hurt him even more because he knew that he couldn’t do anything about it unless Renjun would let him. Renjun was there but he was also out of reach.

When spring was engulfed by winter, Mark wished he wasn’t there when it happened. He felt torn with his feelings. But when the dam broke and everything fell into shambles right before his eyes, Mark was glad he was there when it happened.

He just got back from his afternoon classes that day and was really looking forward to taking a long power nap because he pulled an all nighter before to finish a certain homework for one of his classes. He knew his flatmates would also be out. So when he opened the door to their apartment, he wasn’t expecting to see Renjun, J and another man there.

Blinking and feeling out of his depth, he could sense a heavy atmosphere emanating from the three. But it was too late to leave without being noticed considering all three pairs of eyes were now focused on him. One was surprised,the other curious and the last one he caught was helpless.

“Oh. I could leave if you want.” Mark said awkwardly.

“No. It’s okay-” J started but Renjun cut him off.

“I’ll leave.” Renjun said, his voice was stoic and sharp, resigned.

“Renjun…”

“It’s okay.” Renjun said, with a smile so pained it felt so fake. With a sigh, the Chinese man left the apartment, the petals of his facade slowly falling off with each step he took. Mark watched as Renjun break within himself, his face contorted into internal agony of hate, of disappointment, of understanding, of guilt. Seeing Renjun like this, it felt like Mark was drowning in quicksand, a heavy weight bringing him down to what he thought was stable ground, eating him up, suffocating him.

And then, he was gone.

When he was out the door, the beautiful stranger said, “You should go talk to him.”

“But you…”

Mark looked at his friend wordlessly. He wanted to go to Renjun but he also wanted to stay by his friend’s side. It was a conflict he thought he’d never go through. Because both people were so very important to him, they were his home in the place where home was temporary.

“Jaehyun,” the stranger said firmly yet pleadingly. “Just go talk to Renjun. Please. I’ll be fine.”

Jaehyun bit his lip, looking torn, “I’ll be back, Taeyong.”

In the end he left to go heed Taeyong’s request but not without looking at Mark with an apologetic nod. The stranger on the sofa remained silent, observing, small. He’s probably the most good looking person Mark had ever seen in his life, his hair was stuck in between blonde and brown, wrists thin and body lean. A dancer’s body, Mark thought.

Stunned at the turn of events, Mark felt like he should do something. Anything. But he was stuck there, watching as the stranger sat on the couch, his head on his hands.

“I fucked up everything didn’t I?” he said and Mark didn’t know what to say to that. He felt really out of place and it like he stepped on something he shouldn't have. Was it the stranger’s fault? Was this finally what would make Renjun break? He didn’t know because he didn’t ask. He put Renjun inside a box where he couldn’t really see him, too scared to actually face him but too worried he would break. He was too careful.

Mark cleared his throat and entered the apartment, “I don’t know you. I don’t know what’s going on with you, Renjun and Jaehyun. But Renjun and Jaehyun are my friends. They’re both really important to me. If you hurt them both with a reason that I don’t see fit, I don’t ever want to see you again.”

Taeyong looked up at him, surprise marring on his face. He probably wasn’t expecting what he said. But then he schooled his features to that look of understanding, “You’re a good friend, Mark.”

“And I’d stay that way for as long as I can.”

Taeyong nodded solemnly.

They stayed quiet for the rest of the time. Mark really didn’t want to leave Taeyong alone because it felt like he needed the company too, no matter who it was from. Mark understood perfectly that at times like this, it was better to be with someone. He wasn’t that heartless. He wasn’t going to leave Taeyong alone to wallow in self pity.

Jaehyun came back not long after that, shoulders drooped and looking drained. Mark could take a one look and he’d mistaken him for someone older. He looked aged. And Taeyong saw it too. Quickly, he stood up, tensed.

“What happened?” Taeyong asked with genuine worry. For who, Mark didn’t know.

“Taeyong...” Jaehyun said in a broken voice before he gripped Taeyong by the waist to hug him, burying his face on Taeyong’s neck, making himself fit on the other man’s lithe frame. It was a Jaehyun Mark had never seen before. He looked destroyed. A man who lost. Defeated. Exhausted. Then, like it was the most natural thing on Earth, Taeyong wrapped his arms around Jaehyun, gentle, careful, loving.

Mark stood up quietly and slipped out of the apartment to give them the privacy deserve but before the door shut close behind him, he heard Jaehyun whimpered, “I don’t deserve him, Taeyong. I don’t deserve anyone.”

And Taeyong replied in a hushed voice, “You’ll be okay. We’ll be okay.”

He wanted to call Renjun, but it felt like he had already slipped away from Mark’s grasp. For some reason, a small part of him blamed himself for this. He should have seen it coming. Wait, no. He knew that there was something wrong with Renjun and Jaehyun’s relationship.The signs were obvious. They were two puzzles trying to fit with each other no matter how much different their edges were. At first, it worked but they all knew somewhere along the way, the puzzles could never fit if they don’t belong together. But he ignored it and now, it resulted to this.

Mark turned a blind eye on his two friends falling apart to live a perfect life. So much for being a good friend, Mark winced.

It was a cowardly move, but Mark only sent a message to Renjun saying that he was there if he needed him. He didn’t receive a reply. Nor was he contacted to for the next days that came. He let it be. Because he was Mark and he’s a coward. Because he didn’t deserve the privilege of breaking through Renjun’s defenses.

The next time he saw Renjun, it was purely a coincident. It was pouring down hard again, the sky merciless on its attack. His mom borrowed his car for the week so unfortunately, he had to ride the bus if he wanted to go back to the apartment and catch a sleep. He rarely see Jaehyun nowadays. Seemed like he’s staying with Taeyong for the meantime. Apparently, Renjun, Jaehyun and Taeyong were all from the same neighborhood. Mark didn’t know the rest of the story. Too personal for an outsider like him.

Thoughts of Renjun were plaguing his mind, but then like the Heavens willed it, there he was, sitting on the bus stop, shivering and alone. His hoodie was wet, probably from running and taking a cover under the shed. Renjun was never really fond of bringing an umbrella, said it was too heavy to carry in his bag. Mark was standing on the other side of the shed, frozen under his umbrella, stumped because Renjun looked thinner.

Naturally, Renjun noticed that he wasn’t alone so he looked to his direction. His eyes widened in recognition when he realized that it was Mark. For a moment, they were just there, looking at each other, assessing, observing, longing. Then, without thinking, Mark walked towards Renjun and stopped short until he’s a good feet away from him.

To Mark, he was still spring. Flowers blooming. Sweet scent. But he was also shrouded in winter. Hidden. Captured. Trapped. Renjun was peering at him curiously, waiting, expecting. And Mark… Mark felt like if he could reach his hand out, maybe Renjun would reach back.

Perhaps it was the sound of rain, loud pelts like a million bullets hitting the asphalt pavement. Perhaps it was the whispers of the wind, unrecognizable telltale of words carried by the air. Or perhaps, it was the fact that it was a spring rain, harbinger of the blooming scent that permeates the air with the promise of life on its feathery wings after the storm.

“Do you want to get ice cream?” he blurted out.

Slowly, Renjun’s lips parted and his eyes swirled in nostalgia. After a beat, he breathed, “Yes.”

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Let me know what you think! It's very much appreciated.


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